“Can I help you?” the man asked. Shrek noticed the man’s mouth that looked like an ass crack opening as his wheezy voice came out of it. Shrek had never felt this way before, not even about Fiona. He was so lost in the man’s bright orange skin and corn-silk comb over that he wasn’t able to respond. “Look, green man, I need to make America great again. So if you don’t want anything from me, either go away...or...you could help me,” said the man. Help him? Shrek wanted nothing more than to do exactly that at the moment, anything that would get him closer to the man. He still couldn’t speak, so he nodded. “Good. My name is Donald Trump, I’m running for president.” Shrek gained a little bit of his voice back, so he croaked awkwardly, “You’ve got my vote.” “Well, that’s good to hear. Now, um...” “Shrek.” “Shrek. Come with me.” Donald leads Shrek away from the swamp, and somehow, Shrek doesn’t even care that he’s leaving his precious swamp behind. This strange man had come into his life and enticed him. They walked for a while before arriving at a wooden lodge in a clearing in the woods. “This is it,” said Donald, “We’re here.” “You live here?” asked Shrek, starting to come to his senses. “Well, no. This is actually a vacation home. I just had to escape the Mexicans, you know?” Shrek didn’t know, but he wanted to impress Donald, so he nodded. “Shrek, let’s go inside.” Shrek let Donald lead him inside the lodge. It was a fairly small place, and as soon as they walked through the door, Shrek’s nose was hit with a very pleasant aroma—it smelled of slugs, mud, and rotten things. He gasped gently. It was already like heaven. “So, Shrek,” said Donald, breaking Shrek’s train of thought. “Tell me a bit about yourself.” Donald pulled him onto the couch as he answered, “Well, I like swamps, I’m a pretty private person...” “No, no, I mean...I want to know about you. Not just what you like. What are your fears? Did anything traumatic ever happen to you? Lost a loved one? I want to know the real you.” Shrek blushed, and hoped it was too dark in the room for Donald to tell. He thought for a moment. Should he tell him about Fiona? He’d only just met the guy....No. Even though Shrek had only met Donald that day, he felt a connection he didn’t even feel with Fiona. He knew he could trust him. “Well...I did lose my wife a few months ago....Have you ever met Farquaad?” Shrek asked. “No, I haven’t.” “Good. He was the man that killed her. He’s evil, you’re lucky you’ve never met him.” “Shrek...You’re not with Farquaad now. I would never treat you like that.” Shrek’s face grew ever redder, which must have been a weird sight paired with his green skin. “Listen, Shrek. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I really know you. Even though we just met. Do you feel it too?” Shrek nodded. He definitely felt it. Shrek didn’t know what came over him or Donald, but suddenly their lips slammed into each other’s, like a passionate mouth fight. The connection was there now more than ever, and both of them could feel it. Donald pushed Shrek onto his back and leaned over him, kissing him more. Shrek woke up the next morning and Donald was gone. For a moment, a wave of panic washed over him, but then he heard Donald’s soothing voice in the other room and relaxed a bit. Wait, who was he talking to? It sounded like he was on the phone. Shrek decided to listen to the conversation so he didn’t interrupt something that might be important. “Yes, I know,” said Donald, “Of course it wasn’t serious. ... No. ... Look, I just did it so I could get his vote. Let’s be honest, Shrek is one of the most influential people in America. If he voted for me, imagine how my votes would skyrocket! ... It’s not like I love him or anything. You’re the only one for me, Sonic.” Wait a minute. He was just faking it? Just to get a stupid vote? Shrek remembered the gleam in Donald’s eyes when he said Donald had his vote. He thought nothing of it at the time, but now... Shrek barged into the kitchen, where Donald was. “It was all fake!?” Shrek yelled, tears streaming down his face. “What? Shrek, I—“ “No, I don’t want your excuses, laddy!” “I don’t understand why—“ “You don’t understand!? Donald, that was realest, most meaningful thing in my life! And it meant nothing to you?” Donald said nothing. “It was all just to get my vote. Well, you don’t have it anymore.” Heartbroken, Shrek put all his clothes back on and started heading out the door. “Wait, Shrek!” Donald called after him. Shrek turned, tears still clouding his vision. “No,” he said, “It’s all ogre now.” Then he turned back and left forever. As Shrek walked back to his swamp, rain poured down and the song “Hallelujah” started playing. Shrek wondered how Donald could ever do that to him, and all the while he’d been in a relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog. Shrek arrived back at his swamp. The same idiot from before called out “Shrek is dreck!” Shrek was too tired to deal with him. He stepped inside his house and weakly closed the door behind him. As soon as the door was closed, Shrek leaned back against it and fell onto his knees, sobbing his eyes out. Donald was in his lodge, feeling miserable. He knew he would never get Shrek’s vote now. He sighed. Donald Trump was building a wall. No, not to keep out the Mexicans. He built it around his heart, to keep anyone from getting there and breaking it like Shrek did. It was true, he used to love his girlfriend. And he thought he still did. Yet, something about seeing Shrek slam his door and leave his life forever, tears flowing from his eyes, stirred some deep emotion in him. (Probably the only emotion Donald Trump has.) As the song “Hallelujah” played, Donald sat on his couch in front of the dying embers of the fire, perhaps symbolizing their fiery love dying out. He glared into the fireplace and thought. He knew he’d done something wrong. For the first time in his life, Donald actually felt remorse for doing something offensive. At the time, he was just trying to get Shrek to vote for him. He saw now, though, that that was selfish of him. He couldn’t just toy with Shrek’s feelings like that. He called Sanic. “Yes sweaty?” said Sanic. Unbeknownst to Sanic, Donald was about to make a big change in his life. “Listen, Sanic. Sweety, I love you, you know that, right?” said Donald, about to get right to the point. “Yes, of course, sweaty. Why? ...Is this about that Shrek?” “...Sanic. I love you, but I’ve found someone better. And it may or may not be Shrek. The point is, I’ve seriously hurt someone I care about and I need to make things up to them. I just wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t be with them.” “Donald. I know it’s Shrek, you don’t have to avoid saying his name. I knew there was something deeper going on there. But you know what? I’m not mad. I understand. You love him, don’t you?” Silence. “So I’ll help you make it up to him in any way I can.” “Wait, really?” asked Donald, pleased and surprised. “Yes. Because I still love you, sweaty.” They stayed on the phone for a while, formulating a plan. Later, Sanic left his house to carry out his part of the plan. He headed ogre to Shrek’s swamp. Shrek sat there in the cold darkness of his house, just as he did before. He was alone. Again. First Fiona, now Donald...Shrek felt that he was done with love forever. He heard a knock on the door. Who could that possibly be? If it was Donald, Shrek wasn’t willing to talk… He opened the door, preparing an argument to yell before slamming the door. Just as he was about to start yelling it, he saw that it wasn’t Donald. It was...was that Sanic Hegehog? Shrek had heard much about this Sanic. He also knew Sanic was Donald’s girlfriend. “Whatever it is you want to say, I don’t want to talk,” said Shrek, as calmly as he could manage. “Shrek! You’re Shrek, right?” said Sanic, trying his hardest to sound panicked. “Donald’s in trouble, and he’s asking for you!” Shrek thought he didn’t care about Donald anymore. He thought he hated him for betraying him the way he had. But his heart wouldn’t let him sit there and do nothing while the love of his life, traitor or not, was in danger. He and Sanic ran to Donald’s vacation home as fast as they could, Sanic giggling to himself along the way. They arrived and Shrek burst through the door, panting and concerned. He looked around, scanning the room, trying to find out what was happening. “Wh-what’s going on?” said Shrek, confused, as Donald approached him, apparently in no danger at all. “Shrek. Please listen to me.” “Wait, you lied to me? You weren’t actually in danger!” “Please. Just listen.” Donald looked into Shrek’s eyes. Shrek said nothing. “I love you, Shrek. I thought I didn’t, I thought I was just faking it so I could get your vote. But you know what? When you said it was the realest thing you’ve ever felt...well, I feel the same. I’m so sorry for how I treated you, and Sanic understands. Anyway...Shrek, I...I never want to leave your side again.” Shrek stood in stunned silence for what seemed like forever. Donald waited expectantly for his response. All of a sudden, Shrek burst out crying and hugged Donald. “I love you too.” Sanic stood and looked on happily. Weeks later, Shrek became Shrek Trump as they celebrated their marriage. Donald dropped out of the presidential race in order to spend more time with Shrek and everyone in the country rejoiced. THE END